Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Today i got my period (which was great cos it meant that no, i'm not pregnant-haha) Period always, however, equals to massive cramps which does tend me make me extremely cranky. That's all i remember about today i guess, no reason whatsoever to smile (with 2 exceptions) and every fibre of my body willing myself to get up and beat someone up: ultra-violence. I think that's what you get from repressed emotions - stress, angst, hurt and today (wow, wow) absolute, complete, pure, full-blown anger. I don't think i've ever been so angry.

Lesson learnt to everyone who get in my way today: Hormones plus thingsblowingupinfrancine'sface = not a nice francine.



luddy. says:
just say what you wanna say

so here goes: (*disclaimer* This is a rant post. A personal post. May not be pertinent to everyday or everybody. i.e. it's not how i feel everyday, nor about everybody)

I don't know what it is that really hit a nerve today. Was it the fact that i feel hopelessly alone in my desire for a team who cares about a common goal, albeit exceptions? Was it the lack of any sort of respect i've been able to command from anybody? Was it the fact that nothing has seemed to work to make this team put their words into actions and show that we do deserve to win this thing, not only because we've worked our butts off for it, but because, simply enough, we want it the most? I guess it was my fault from the start. As captain, i should have been stricter, harsher, more domineering, fiercer, instiled discipline, demanded respect. Maybe i should have simply moulded the way for this team and ensured the route was followed. Maybe then would our team not be the only team who doesn't seem eager to want to play the game we so proudly pronounce as our own. Maybe i should have, but the fact of the matter is i wouldnt have. It's not me, and i thought it was better to have mutual understanding, mutual respect of the team with their captains. I thought we were heading in the same direction. Besides, one can't make people passionate about something, that's something that comes from the heart. Today, being right in the middle of our season, just pushed me all the way back to even way before the team was selected. Then we were 'ungelled', different people from all different backgrounds, experiences - hardly a team in the least. I thought we had come so far.. But have we? I'm angry because i want this so, so, so incredibly badly, and from thinking everyone did too, i just feel really betrayed and defeated seeing that maybe that's not what's on everyone's minds too. There is nothing more i want than to give this team a chance to taste what it feels like to work so hard and to see if pay off. It's an amazing feeling. But i can't do it alone. As a captain, looking at how it seems like we've taken a few back steps, time and time again, i'm tired. You don't know how tired we are, how tiring it is. And in feeling like this, i guess i've failed the team. I am supposed to be the backbone of this team, to give support, encouragement, to push, to help, to inspire. From the looks of things, i haven't come close, even. Being nice, a friend, that doesn't work. Scolding and getting angry doesn't work. Sharing how i feel, experiences, explainations to try to get everyone to understand doesn't work. I'm sorry but i really don't know what else to do. Season is already here. I know all i want to do is play hockey, but i can't want to play hockey for everyone on the team. I want the best for our team, because from the beginning i've seen our potential. I don't wanna end season thinking 'we had potential' i want us to have 'made it', 'gone all the damn way'. BECAUSE I BELIEVE WE CAN. I'm extrmemly grateful for a team who at least appears for training (mostly), who hasn't really given much much much trouble (mostly), who has believed and worked hard throughout. I guess i'm simply disappointed today, and some days too, because i thought, i think we're capable of so much more than we give ourselves credit for. And some days, some days i hope more people show they wanted it even half as much as i do, and by that i mean showing interest and urgency in trainings, wanting to come, even. Taking care of themselves, showing respect. It's not enough to just know you'll play your hearts out during the match and foregoing the importance of training. Because we all know now - we play how we train, down to simple things like running for the ball, urgency to want to, to clear it, cross it or score. I don't know. But from now, before training on thurs at least, i'll get all this our of my system. If i cannot help set the direction and heart of our team, i know the least i can do is play my heart out, play to my abilities and play damn well. Cos from now til the end of season, Hockey is my Life.

luddy. says:
it's catharsis

yeah luddy, it is. Thanks(: You're still top on the list of people who never annoy me, even when i'm in the most irritable of moods(: And yes Luds, it IS a complement(:



Many love to Jodee and HennaHannah and Jiayi who always get the lousy end of my lousy days and let me 'whine' as Jiayi calls it while laughing at me, or simply letting me be moody and not talk at all, without feeling guilty(: Also to Lysia who i miss dearly and is always somehow within bumping-into distance when i'm just about to burst into tears of frustration and despair. Lastly to Nick, simply for making the day a better one by far and for making me smile. iloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyou. thank you dear i'd be a hormonal, angsty wreak without you(:

ROAR. TOMORROW WILL BE A BETTER DAY.
(and yay my mum's coming home finally!)

ex-oh, ex-oh
1:05 AM